What’s good, people? Last week was a bye for bloggers too, right? I assumed so. Pretty sure I speak for everyone when I say a bye week after a gut shot loss is pure hell. I have to give a shout-out to Netflix for Luke Cage because that showed saved my sanity last week. If you aren’t in awe of a show where a guy beats people with a couch I’m not sure why you’re reading this. My dude Luke rips a car door off and uses it as a shield while Bring Da Ruckus blares in the background. I mean, are you people not entertained? What more do you want from a TV show? Let me be clear with this, I will co-sign anything involving 36 Chambers and people getting whooped with furniture, etch that in stone.
Hit a buddy up who owns a BBQ shop with a unique idea for marketing his store, and he was all about it. You all know by now that I love to feed BBQ to people, so I will be checking my TL periodically to see if someone is having a rough day. If they are, I’ll dm them for their work address and drop off some lunch. Work sucks but his BBQ doesn’t, I know free BBQ would change a bad day for me when I was grinding in the cube. This doesn’t apply to people in Indiana. Sorry, but you chose your life; I don’t have to support it. I’ll be picking people randomly based on the tone of their tweets, not taking requests. This is supposed to be a good spirited endeavor for people struggling, not a hand-out. Wow that sentence sounded like a politician; vote TBG in 2020 I guess.
Now that I’ve announced that I’m running in four years I gotta get my election platform and cabinet in order. First of all as the Grill Master and Chief I will use drones to drop smoked meats on neighborhoods, I aint bombing nobody. HONEY IT’S RAINING BRISKET, GOD BLESS TBG! Propane grills are an act of terrorism and will get you sent to Guantanamo Bay. Bothering people working retail or the service industry on weekends while games are on will net you a fine that will exceed no more than 420 dollars U.S. Weekends begin when you leave work on Thursday and end at noon on Monday, work is stupid and we have better stuff to do with our time. Ante Up will be played every time I step off Joe Force One, that’s Air Force One’s new name. I will also require all passengers on Joe Force One to wear all white Air Force One’s. At my inauguration we’re getting The Roots to back up Wu-Tang Clan with my boy @kev502 filling in for ODB, RIP. I will also rock Ghostface Killah’s gold falcon bracelet anytime I meet with foreign dignitaries to establish my dominance over them. Putin doesn’t know crap about a shake down, I aint scared of a topless man on a horse, best believe that. Potato water drinking onion head has no idea.
Now onto my all star cabinet of political outsiders, they’re on the outskirts of politics, if you will. My VP position is up for grabs, I’m just gonna break a pool stick in half like Heath Ledger’s Joker and let y’all figure it out. I didn’t even name a best man in my wedding so I can’t pick that gig either, it’s Sean Carter’s if he wants it though. Secretary of Agriculture will be assigned to @8bitbojackson because the man has a gorgeous garden, his green thumb is second to none. Secretary of Defense is a no brainer and it’s going to be @combat80 because Charlie comes from a long line of savages that nobody tests. Education goes to @Snicklefritz35 because she’s spent years in the public school system and would ensure our kids would be less dumb again. Energy goes to the Bucket Hat Kang @ljthafiasc0 because he just seems like the kind of a guy who mutters under his breath “damn kid’s always leaving lights on” when he reads his LG&E bill. Health is obviously @Hammel11, have you seen his videos? I think he does P90X underwater suspended upside down. Dudes a maniac and America will shape up and there will be no need for 3X shirts unless you’re Pat Moorer. Secretary of State is going to @Tammaland because I don’t think she’s ever been blocked on Twitter and we’re gonna need a heavy dose of diplomacy under my Presidency. Transportation goes to @Tee1andonlyJay because the man is clutch with picking people up when they over indulged on spirits, and folks there will be a lot of imbibing during my term. My man @BiggestBiscuit gets the Treasury job because he’s terrible with money and I want to watch his weekly Chris Farley-esque meltdowns during briefings. Internet user @D2_Derpinator is in charge of Veteran Affairs because he was once a troop and will see they get proper care when they return home. War is hell and proper medical and mental health treatment will be one of the pillars of this platform. I’m replacing the Secret Service with season ticket holders from the 200 section at PJCS. Try throwing a shoe at me and get run up on and given a few. Okay all the other positions sound dumb so we will have try outs or something for them, “in 140 characters or less tell me why you’re the person for Labor”. If that doesn’t work I’ll lob all the responsibilities to Coach Ganong and he can just smash chairs and break stuff til results pour in.
Alright so I got a cabinet lined up, I think that’s the hard part to a presidency. Debates will be as entertaining as this years have been but for completely opposite reasons. My attack ads will be sublime, not even hiring anyone for that, I’ve got that covered in spades. “My opponent say’s I tweet about UofL too much but I actually think his lack of UofL chatter makes him suspicious, have you seen the team”. “My opponent claims he never bonged jungle juice from a gasoline can in college, can he be trusted with his finger on the button”.
So there it is, my plan to make America Smoky. For a brief moment I will be serious. Beloved UofL Twitter man @Chadinthe502’s son has been through hell and back. Not sure the specific number but he’s almost 60 days clean and sober. It blew him away that strangers on the internet were proud of his sobriety so occasionally shoot Chad a positive tweet he can show his son, you never know the impact you have on others. Go Cards, Go Krogering, beat Duke, vote TBG in ’20.
That Boys Good
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