“ALL RISE!!! Court is now in session. The honorable Bucket Hat King LJ tha Fiasco presiding. Please be seated and come to order”
(**Pulls out bong, searches for strongest weed strain known to man. Can’t find any. Searches for weakest weed strain known to man. Search brings up Peter Sirmon’s defensive schemes. Suddenly remembers that I have a job, mortgage, and smoking hot fiance. Throws bong to floor and watches it shatter into a millions pieces. Gets into shower fully clothed and cries while Sarah McLachlane’s “In the Arms of an Angel” plays on repeat in the background. Mrs. BHK finds me on the bathroom floor in a fetal position soaking wet and muttering “wrap him up” every so often followed by “where is the pass rush”. She plugs my laptop up, kisses my forehead, promises bone-in wings later, and then tells me to write the pain away.)
That is exactly how it went down. Don’t question anything above.
Here are my notes, I am taking the next few days off. And yes I smell of alcohol and disappointment.
Any outburst from the court and you will be removed by…….wait is this right?? AJ Dillion from Boston College is the bailiff this week. Makes sense, we couldn’t stop him on Saturday so I can’t stop him from being my bailiff. F**k my life.
- I wish I could tell you that Louisville fought the good fight, and Boston College let them be……… I wish I could tell you that. But college football is no fairy tale. They never said who was responsible giving up 555 yards to one of the worst offenses in the FBS, ……..but we all knew.
- I have removed my signature BucketHatism photo. I will not replace it until we have made a change that will benefit our defense in a positive way. For now, you all get face palm, BHK.
- If you have come here looking for rainbows and sunshine to be blown up your a** you have come to the wrong place. Go read a f***ing Hallmark card.
- Peter Sirmon, I will make this short and sweet. GET OUT. Pack up your 3 bedroom townhouse, pour out the rest of the Sunny D, throw away your lunchables or whatever bulls**t you snack on and get out. No need to clean out your office, it was never used anyway. No need to speak to the team, you have proven that you have not spoken to them since the day your were hired. No need to draw up a resignation letter, you have proven you couldn’t draw up a play if I gave you a lifetime supply of markers and dry erase boards. Get out. GET THE F**K OUT. Now. Don’t say goodbye, just go. We understand. It’s you not us. I would wish you luck but you would just let that gain a first down.
- I have no fear of backlash from Sirmon. What is he gonna do, confront me in the parking lot?? No worries, I will just go over, around or through him. He won’t be able to stop me.
- Hey Bobby, don’t try to tiptoe out just yet. What were you thinking making this hire? Peter Sirmon made Mike Cassity look like Buddy Ryan. You hired an inexperienced coordinator instead of a proven guy. This is not the C-USA. The days of outscoring teams is long gone. Your seat is warmer than the engine of the U-Haul heading to Sirmon’s house right now.
- We don’t have much to be happy about lately. Our legendary AD is in danger of being removed. Our school is on ESPN for all the wrong reasons. Our Governor thinks weed will kill you. Bojangles is still not in Louisville. Sam Adams Oktoberfest is back on the shelf. And all summer long we looked forward to football season to have to sit through this bullsh*t. All I wanted was to enjoy my Saturday’s watching my beloved Cards curbstomp teams. I don’t know who this team is, we may never know. It is literally Lamar Jackson, some talented wide receivers, and a defense that can’t stop anyone. Boston College can’t do sh*t on offense. Not a damn thing. They have not scored more than 28 points all year. Seriously look:
Yet they waltzed their happy-clappy asses into our stadium and treated it like it was the f**king Boston Marathon. I haven’t seen a player from Boston run free like this since David Ortiz hit a homerun at Fenway. I haven’t seen a choke like this since Robin Williams confronted Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting for disrespecting his dead wife. Saturday was the darkest day in this city since Po’Folks went out of business.
- Lamar broke more records today. We lost, but if Lamar’s jersey is not retired in his last game here then I question everything about this program. Per Kelly Dickey, Lamar Jackson is the first player in the ACC’s 65-year history to have three career games with at least 500 yards of total offense. Lamar Jackson also set a new Louisville record for career rushing yards with 3,211. Walter Peacock held the old record from 1972 to 1975. He had 512 yards and 5 touchdowns today in a losing effort.
- I have seen some sh*tty football in my time. I sat through the Cooper years. I stomached the Kragthorpe years. I have seen this football program go through hell and back. But I have NEVER booed our team. Don’t feed me that line of “I was booing the playcall and the coaching staff” BULLSHIT (I didn’t edit that on purpose) you were booing the team you low expectation having mother******r. You were booing the team, and that is a horrible look. There were recruits there, and other’s watching. Don’t piss and moan when we don’t get 4 and 5 star players. Be upset with things, but don’t turn on your own team. F**k you
- We got Jaire back along with Drew Bailey. I am glad they they were able to get back on the field Saturday. I hate that they suffered a loss in their return. Same for Jaylen Smith. We were the healthiest we have been in a while.
- Peter Sirmon makes $950k to coach our defense. That is $950k too much. I refuse to call players soft especially when I am not out there taking hits and risking my body for sport. I wonder how the defensive meetings with Sirmon go. I imagine it’s similar to the below:
“F**k technique, just throw your flailing body into the runner and hope he goes down”.
“Why wrap up a player when you can arm tackle him”?
“I don’t teach my players to be prepared, I teach them to look as confused as possible before each play”
“I enjoy giving 15 yard cushions. We call that paying it forward”
“Tackling!?! Hell son what’s that? This is Sirmon ball,…. just hold on to the running back and enjoy the ride while your teammates stare at the play from a few yards away”.
“Blitz package?? Sorry I don’t listen to rap music”…..
“The only time I like 8 or 9 in a box is when I am ordering chicken at Popeye’s”
“I prefer the 4-2-5 defense because that is normally the amount of yards my defense tends to give up per game”
“Cover 2??? 2 what??
“I enjoy the Prevent defense. It prevents me from getting fired until I have fully skull-f*cked a program back to the stone age”
- Shout out to Reggie Bonnafon. He finally had the kind of game we all wanted for him, he even broke a big 64 yard TD. I hate his senior year has to end like this. Him and Quentin Snider should get together and write a book. I hate what both have had to endure here the past month.
- While I don’t believe Bobby leaves after this year, I don’t see Jeff Brohm as our next coach. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have him here if we had to make a change at the top. His family brought Louisville football a lot of wins and notoriety but he is not in the business of jumping from job to job and there is still some bad blood between the university and Jeff after how he was let go years ago. Also, if Tom Jurich is not retained then the new AD will bring in whoever he sees fit. I don’t want to speculate about any of this until I have to.
- Dez Fitzpatrick is going to break some records here if this keeps up. That dude has bailed us out on numerous occasions this year.
- I feel bad for Chucky Williams. That stiff arm from the depths of hell will be shown on many Boston College highlights for years to come. I also still cannot believe that it happened. What’s worse, the BC fans were chanting “He’s A FRESHMAN” afterwards. But no other Cardinal came to help Chucky as he was being stiffarmed into the turf either…. Sonofabitch this hurts……
- Miss me with that “the coaches only call the plays, it’s up to the players to execute ” bulls**t. Say you own a sink company, and I paid you to put a sink in my bathroom and you send two guys that you trained over to my house to install. If they botch the install of my sink I would not only look at them with disgust I would look at the company sideways as well. Thanks to the NCAA……wait……..the UNC-AA we cannot pay players but we pay guys like Peter Sirmon who does everything to help the opposing team and also gets paid for gorilla f**king his team in the process.
- The scariest thing in football or any sport for that matter, is when a coach has lost his team. Remember that.
- New rule, we have to stop calling Bobby an offensive genius until he proves he is one. Bobby 1.0 was great with his play-actions, running schemes, scripting of plays, tight end formations, naked bootlegs, etc. I don’t know who this motherf****r is. We have a Bugatti for a QB, and we put a boot on it ourselves. I get that Bobby is trying to get Lamar ready for the pros by keeping him in the pocket but he is dry humping the offense in the process. You don’t buy a race car and never go above 40 mph in it. This is not the Bobby we are looking for.
- There were several times on Saturday where we had 9 or 10 players on the field on defense. Game of football requires 11 players on the field for the defense and offense. We pay guy thousands to make sure that sh*t doesn’t happen.
- Shout out to the a**hole who sat in front of me and kept letting me know that we may not beat UK this year. Thanks sir, I was under the impression that we were good enough to overlook everyone else this year. If you hate to be called little brother than stop worrying about what those guys down the road are doing. I am so glad that in the midst of the worst defensive outputs we have ever seen we have fans that are more worried about the Governor’s Cup at the end of the f**king year. I can’t worry about anything else when my team is letting a freshman run for 272 and 4 TD’s. What about Cam Akers and the Florida State defense that is still pissed about the 43 point beatdown last year? What about Wake Forest who is still mad about Wakeyleaks? What about Syracuse who scored at will on the same Clemson team that dominated us defensively? What about the Virginia team that if not for a late TD would have beat us last year. Noooooo, f*ck them, let’s focus on UK in the middle of this game against BC. I want to throat punch a lot of you.
- I should have known this game would be a wild one. Our Lyft driver that picked us up was playing “November Rain”. On top of that he shot some racist stereotypes my way in front of the TCZ guys riding with me. Sir you drive a Ford Transit, you are not in a position to look down on anyone. Take this low star rating and no tip and go directly to hell. Your car smelled like behind the ear sweat….
- We just lost to one of the perennial bottom feeders in the ACC. We have waived the right to trash talk, look ahead, or laugh at other teams this year. Do you all realize we still have some pretty good offenses left on the schedule? If feels like we started the season and then put the XBOX controller down without hitting the pause button.
- Dorian Etheridge, ……..nuff said. He is a bright spot this year as a true freshman. 14 tackles, 9 solo.
- When your defensive coordinator is Peter Sirmon:
Your total yardages-
367- No. Illinois
400- Notre Dame
309- C. Mich
— Troy Turbeville (@tville73) October 14, 2017
I can handle getting beat. I can’t handle seeing my team getting embarrassed by an BC team that has not been sh*t since Doug Flutie was enrolled there.
- Peter Sirmon is a generous guy. He specializes in giving things away to opposing teams. He also got Steve Addazio a new contract today. Drink bleach.
- Was it even plugged in to begin with??
Sirmon' headset wasn't working that whole defensive possession, according to @jdemling.
— Chris Raggard (@ChrisRaggard) October 14, 2017
- Shout out to the fan who told me the last time he came to a game was when Krag was here. Then he proceeded to spit into his dip cup and bash Mason King. With all of our issues, you are more upset with the punter? You chew tobacco dude, you don’t have the room or teeth to say anything. F**k off.
- If you are looking for Rally Squirrel you can stop. I have been told by several people that he died shortly after being removed from the field. I am not making this up. This is an a**hole of a season and we just lost a symbol of hope.
And in closing, we are officially F**KED. I am not going to sugar coat it. I am not Willy Wonka and this is not a bowl of corn flakes. The best we can do is hope a change is made this week at the DC spot and then hope we can make a bowl which is something I never thought I would write this season. I said 10-2 to start the season, we are lucky to see 6-6. We can legitimately be walking into Kroger Field needing a win to make a bowl,….talk about a role reversal. This has been one constant nut punch after another. It’s like we have can’t have sh*t anymore without controversy. I am still a fan, always will be. But we deserve better than this half assed, Mickey Mouse bullshit we have seen the past few weeks. I won’t bash players, I won’t. They are taught by a guys who are overpaid and it’s not fair to them.
I wish I could be optimistic about the last 5 games. I wish I could tell you that Sirmon will rally his troops and fix all of the defensive issues. But if I did that I would have to sell you the bridge in Brooklyn and oceanfront property in Idaho as well. We have a coach who restrains his best player on offense and another coach who doesn’t know a nickel package from his asshole. What a time to be alive.
At least The Walking Dead returns next week.
Be cool in this hot city
(AJ took my gavel so I can’t bang it. )